


Funko Porn

by gothula



Series: Cap/IronMan Bingo 2016 [1]
Category: Deadpool - All Media Types, Marvel, Marvel 616, Marvel Cinematic Universe, The Avengers (Marvel) - All Media Types
Genre: Cap_Ironman Bingo, Crack, Inanimate Object Porn, M/M, Other, Pansexual Character, Stony Bingo
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-05-09
Updated: 2016-05-09
Packaged: 2018-06-07 08:32:02
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,497
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6796786
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/gothula/pseuds/gothula
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>The epic romance of two inanimate objects in Deadpool's apartment.<br/>This is his take on their epic romance or just mindless magical glitter sex pollen love confession?</p><p>My fill for the N1 position of my STONY Bingo Card.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Funko Porn

**Author's Note:**

> This is my fill for the N1 position of my STONY Bingo Card - a picture of two funko pop figures: IronMan and Captain America.

"Hey, Tony," said the IronMan figure.

"Hey, Steve," said the little Cap figure.

"We've got to protect the window from the Evil Magical Unicorn of Destiny!" Cap said, hopping from side to side. 

Deadpool picked up the IronMan figure and made it float up in the air like he was flying. "I see her! She's got a hostage!"

"Oh my stars and garters!" Deadpool picked up the Cap figure and put his hand against IronMan's. "We've got to save the uh…Cheetos Worm baby! AVENGERS! ASSEMBLE!"

Deadpool zoomed them around the room and stopped just inside the kitchen. "Bad news, Cap! Comms are dead. She must be using some kind of magical spell to disconnect us from the other Avengers! We're on our own!"

He put the two figures down on the counter and ran over the stool with the unicorn plush and the Cheetos. "Neigh!" He made a loud whinny noise and reared her back on her hind legs. "You'll never defeat me this time Avengers! I have a spell ready for you! Magic Sparkly Missiles of Death!"

Deadpool sat her down over the Cheetos and ran back to the counter, having IronMan dodge and weave to escape invisible magic rays while making little noises. "PEW! PEW! Zoom! Whoosh! PEW! PEW!"

"Haha! You'll never hit me you old gray mare!"

Deadpool sat them down closer to the stool and ran back to pick up the unicorn. "You fools! Magical Friendship Love Bomb Glitter!"

He sat her down and sprinkled glitter from his belt pouch on the IronMan and Captain America figures. "My suit filters won't let any of that glitter in!"

Then he faked a cough. "T-tony?"

"Oh no, Steve!" He landed the figures behind a lamp for cover and laid the little Cap over on his back. The IronMan Figure loomed over him. "Steve, talk to me!"

"I - I feel so strange." Deadpool tilted the Cap figure up. "I need…oh Tony…you have to go, get away from me!"

"No! I'd never leave you when you're hurting!" Deadpool rubbed the Ironman figure's hand on the cap figure's face. "What do you need? I 'll do it. No matter what."

"I - I need..oh Tony!" Making a kissing noise, Deadpool mashed the Cap figure's face against the IronMan face. He made more noises and rubbed their faces. 

"Wait!" He had the IronMan figure push the Cap figure away. "It's her spell! I can't take advantage of you like this!"

"It's not just the spell, Tony." Deadpool had the Cap figure tap the IronMan faceplate. "I've always wanted you. You're my soul mate!"

"Steve, I want to believe you." He lifted the IronMan figure like it was flying a little away from Cap. "But I think this is just her spell! I'll break it and save you and you'll only love me as a friend. My love for you is unrequited and teenage-girl-like"

"No!" Cap leapt onto IronMan and tore open the face mask. Glitter fell on Tony's exposed face and Deadpool coughed a little. "I need you, Tony!"

IronMan landed hard, pinning Cap to the end table and kissing him. Deadpool made more kissy noises and gasped. "Oh Steve! Yes, Yes! Take it off. Oh Oh!"

Cap flipped them over and tore off Tony's armor before dragging off his own heavy mail shirt. "I need you so bad!"

"Yes! Oh Steve. I need you too! I want you inside me!" Deadpool rocked the Cap figure on top of the back of the IronMan figure in a rough fucking-motion. 

"Yes! Yes! Harder! Steve do it harder!"

"Oh Tony. I love you so much!"

"I love you too!" 

"Oh, Take it Tony. I need you to take it."

"Yeah!"

"Yeah!" Deadpool adjusted himself in his costume and glanced up. "Remember Readers: Responsible Anal requires preptime, clean-up, and in between lots of lubricant. My favorite's Cherry Apple flavored."

He rocked the figures together harder. "Yes! Steve! I'm so close!"

"Oo. Come on Tony. Give it up. Give it up to me. Come on!"

"Oh Yeah! STEVE!" IronMan's figure bucked back up against the Cap figure. "Oh! OH!"

Deadpool squirted toothpaste under the IronMan Figure. Then pulled the Cap figure back. "Yeah! Yeah! Oh Tony! Tony!" He squeezed more toothpaste all over the Ironman figure's butt and back then flipped him over and squeezed out more in little drops on his faceplate. 

Deadpool made the figures kiss again, smearing the toothpaste all over both their faces. "Oh Tony. That was amazing. I - I should have confessed my love sooner!"

"I - Steve, I think.. I think it's not over!" The Ironman figure rocked back and forth on the ground.

"Tony! I'll take care of you!" Deadpool put the face of the Cap figure against the crotch of the IronMan figure and bobbed it up and down making slurping noises. 

"Steve! Yes! Yes! I'm not gonna last! Your mouth is so amazing!"

Deadpool pulled back the Cap figure and squirted toothpaste all over the little painted mouth. "Ugh! Yeah! Paint me Tony! Yeah!"

The Cap figure laid over the IronMan figure. Deadpool made more panting noises and then picked up the cap figure and rolled the IronMan figure on to his stomach again. "I can't stop! Tony, I'm sorry! I can't stop!"

"Don't stop! Are you crazy? Do me! Do Me HARD!"

"Ugh!" Deadpool grunted each time he slapped the two figures together. "Ugh! Ugh! Ugh! Yeah! Ugh! Take it deep! Let me in Tony!"

"Oh Steve! I can feel you so deep! Don't pull out this time, Cap! I need you to fill me with your patriotic man spunk!"

"Ugh!" Deadpool made the Cap figure jerk and twitch on top. Then dropped him off to the side, leaving the two figures lying side by side on the table top while making heavy panting noises. As an after thought, the oozed more toothpaste on Ironman - Like it was dripping out of his butt. "Also, Reader? Anal is messy."

He added a little more to be thorough. 

"Oh Steve! I need it again!"

"We have to stop, IronMan! We have to defeat the Evil Magical Unicorn of Destiny!"

"I - I can't!"

"We Must!" Deadpool stood up the Cap figure facing the stool with unicorn on it. "Come On Avenger. You can do this."

"But my armor!" the Cap figure looked back, seeing the naked, nubile body of Tony Stark. Deadpool growled and had the Cap figure pounce on top of the IronMan figure. 

"Oh, America, help me! I can't stop, Tony! Her spell makes me need to ride you so hard, so deep! Yeah! Yeah baby!"

"What'll we do - ugh- Steve? We can't possibly defeat her like this!"

Deadpool leapt across the room to the stool and picked up a Deadpool figure from the floor. "Never fear! Deadpool is here!"

"Oh no!" He picked up the Unicorn and had her back away. "Not you! You're so fierce, so muscley, so sexy!"

"Yes, I am!" He waved the figure at the Cap laying on top of the Ironman figure in a puddle of drying toothpaste. "I got this fellas!

"Neigh! Neigh!"

He smashed the Deadpool figure down on the Cheeto. "Haha! It was the Cheetos worm baby the whole time! It used its evil to bewitched the Beautiful Magical Unicorn of Destiny. It seduced her!"

"Whinny! Oh, it did! Thank you Deadpool! You saved me! I'll lift my spell. "

"Don't be hasty." Deadpool waved his figure at the two on the end table. "They really need to fuck things out."

"True." he bounced the unicorn closer to the Deadpool figure. "I'm so ashamed. I knew it was an evil stale Cheetos, but I let it seduce me anyway."

"Well, you've got to come with me, madam. You'll have to answer for all the damage you've done." Deadpool sat down the Deadpool figure and the Unicorn, going back to the end table. 

He started rocking the Cap figure on top of the IronMan figure again. "Ugh! Deadpool! You did it! Ugh! You saved us! Ugh! Will you - Ugh! Come lead the Avengers? Ugh!"

"Maybe later, guys" Deadpool hurried back to the stool and picked up the Unicorn. "I've got to take her in."

He nuzzled the tiny little horn through his mask. "She's been a naughty girl. Yeah. Don't worry. I know just how she likes to be punished."

Deadpool hurried to his room, grabbing the tissues and cherry apple lube on the way. 

He stuck his head back out the door. "Oh, and don't forget to clean your toys when you're done! Remember, if you let it dry, things get crusty!"

"Bye!" he shut the door firmly.

Muffled by the door, he growled at the stuffed unicorn. "I've got a bridle for you, you naughty pony! Oh Yeah, you like that don't you. Lick that sugar cube! Lick it right off my nipple. Yeah. Yeah you dirty girl."

"Hey!" He banged on the wall. "Guys? A little privacy? Sheesh! Come back later."

End


End file.
